Tonight Philly marches to a samba beat but the messages are the same #sanctuarycity #healthcareforall #blacklivesmatter #dumptrump #resist #phillylove
lemon tree blossoms. it’s drizzling and I’m pacing. I would like to say I’ve created something inspiring or cooked a delicious meal or helped a neighbor or showed love in some other way. The truth is I’m just kind of paralyzed in silence, choking back tears, and trying not to snap at my kids. That’s just where I am right now. I’ll be stronger and wiser another day but today I’m hiding and terrified.
Ending my day not that differently than how I started. Windows + notebook wide open, inviting in the breeze, listening to the quiet spaces.
June 1st marks five months into the year. In too many ways it feels like I just haven’t gotten shit done. One might say that I have done plenty. Another might point out that I am taking care of an elderly Grandpa and three busy children. Perhaps I should cut myself a little slack, but in the mean time, there are things that I always mean to do that just aren’t getting done.
To be clear, I am not talking about the sink full of dishes or the bathroom of grime… I am not even talking about the things I want to be experiencing with my kids or the books that go unread. Nor do I mean paperwork mountain or flagged emails that still need replies (though all these things are real). This nagging feeling does not stem from parent guilt or a fear of getting older, or any one source that I can identify.
I am thinking back to that illustration of a jar that represents the time and energy one has. If you fill the jar with sand first and then rocks, the rocks will not fit inside the jar. BUT, it you put the rocks in the jar first then the sand will fit between the cracks and all the matter can be in the jar. The point is, of course, that one should prioritize the most important things in life and let the rest of life fill in the cracks.
I am possibly really bad at following that concept. There are always duties that seem immediate, random opportunities that sound like good ideas, and so goes the day. I don’t know if I just like the distractions or find them easier to follow.
At any rate, I started the year with some ideas. While I have not made many resolutions in my adult life, I found myself making a little list as I said “good riddance” to 2014. First, I chose a one-word mantra to be my focus word of the year: present. To me, this means putting down the phone (more often), taking less photographs, letting my mind wander less and take the time to really notice what is right in front of me. And here you thought I was going to look at each day as a present.
Here are some other things that I resolved to do:
bake more cakes (because yum)
write, write, write (clears my brain)
eat more brussels sprouts (turns out they’re delicious)
potty train the toddler (I’m SO over diapers)
put down my damn phone (and notice more)
…Because life is happening whether I notice or not, and time marches on whether I’m driving or being dragged along…
I will give myself the following grades (in the order listed above): A+, C-, A, D, D-)
Okay 2015, I hear you. I’m headed back to the list. Hoping that I can improve some of those scores while still maintaining my year of the cake.